This story made me laugh, but then I am easily amused.

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’

She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘ Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’

I know it’s not an exciting bright colour, but you can’t go wrong with black, and I like it.
In fact you can’t go wrong with Marc Jacobs, he does everything right.
Marc by Marc Jacobs Teri Leather Bag. It’s a midnight grained leather hobo bag, with gold hardware, and shoulder strap. This bag has two turn lock fastening pockets, a concealed magnetic fastening, and monogrammed cotton lining.
€395.

I don;t particularly like gold hardware, I prefer silver or pewter, but it has my all time favourite turn locks … tow of them, sheer bliss.

ZOQY

I have been wanting to make some flapjacks for weeks but I didn’t have all of the ingredients I needed.
I remembered to purchase everything a few days ago, and finally made some delicious flapjacks.
Every time I make them they are completely different to the previous time.
This time I used oats, dried prunes, dried apricots, blonde raisins, coconut, and then at the last minute just before baking I stirred a few squares of crushed up good quality dark chocolate with orange.
These are definitely the tastiest flapjacks I have made to date.
In fact I think I’ll put the kettle on for a nice cup of tea and stuff my face with some flapjacks right now.

This photo is crap I know, the lighting was rubbish because I took it late at night.
I had already taken the flapjack out of the baking dish and transferred it into a tub when I decided to take the shot, so I placed it all back in the pyrex dish for it’s photoshoot ……. during which time lots of it fell apart ……. so I did the only thing any respectful flapjack lover could do ……. I ate lots of it.

The Gourmet

A new priest was speaking at his first mass, and he was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass the priest asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass, and if I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So the following Sunday the priest took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous, so he took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon the priest return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door ~

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called, “Mary with the Cherry,”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not, “Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.”
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s!

FOOLS UNITED!

Ren beauty products are fabulous.
My skin is incredibly dry at the moment, and has been for a few months now ~ YUK!
It doesn’t seem to make any difference what I do to it, it’s still terribly dry and dehydrated.

I have just had a quick glance at the Ren website and found this moisturiser; Sirtuin Phytohormone Replenishing Cream. “An advanced moisturiser designed to prevent and treat the signs of ageing.”

This looked very promising until I read the words ……. pre and post menopausal skin.
Fair enough, if that’s what it’s good for, but to see the actual words in black and white made me feel old and depressed.
So now I have horribly dry skin, and my menopausal condition to worry about.
I wish I hadn’t looked on the website now.

Anyhow, if you are interested here’s what Ren has to say about this particular cream ~

An advanced treatment moisturiser specifically formulated to prevent and treat the signs of ageing especially due to hormonal changes. Skin feels reinvigorated, deeply hydrated and looks smoother, firmer, and brighter.
Bio actives include cell life prolonging sirtuin activators, anti skin-sagging perlecan activators and replenishing phytohormones derived from Wild Yam. Our exclusive Global Protection Complex provides powerful anti-oxidant protection while our Biomimetic Hydra+ Complex ensures optimum hydration.
To use: Apply a generous amount morning and evening onto clean face and neck. Can be used on its own but works in perfect synergy with Revivo-Lift day and night serums.
It comes in a 50ml pump and costs £40.

I don’t think I’ll be ordering it just yet though, as although I am sure it’s a lovely product and will work well, I can’t quite bring myself to purchase anything that’s specifically targeted at dried up (literally :o) menopausal old bags like me ….. not yet anyway.

Those gorgeous Giuseppe Zanotti sandals in the previous post got me thinking about fashion, and then rather random I know but Oscar Wilde came to mind.
Here are a few quotes; Oscar Wilde on Fashion ~

“Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”

“One should either be a work of art, or wear a work of art.”

“Fashion is what one wears oneself, and
what is unfashionable is what other people wear”

John Lyly ~ SYRINX 

Even though my feet, like the rest of my body, are always cold and I usually prefer to keep my tootsies covered I would happily make an exception for these sandals.
They are beautiful, although I think it’s the heel I’m in love with as opposed to the actual sandal?
I don’t usually like wedges, but these are pretty fierce.
I’m 5′ 8″ so I don’t need heels, and if I purchased them I probably wouldn’t even wear them ……. I’d just sit and admire their beauty.
Giuseppe Zanotti Metallic Sculpted Wedge Sandals. They are silver metallic leather, with a sculpted 110 mm / 4 inch wedge heel. They have a strap across arch and a buckle fastening ankle strap. €375.

Actually, what am I saying, the more I look at them the more I like them, of course I would wear them ……. in fact I doubt I’d ever take them off. I think I’d even sleep in them, they are seriously gorgeous. The right foot sandal in the above shot of the heels remind me of an ocean liner.

I love ankle straps, I think that’s because my mother loves ankle strap footwear. You have to be careful though as some of them can be unflattering, but these have tiny narrow straps so I’m sure they would look great on everybody.

I have sagging jowls.
Or at least think I do. When I moan about my miserable face, my hubby says I’m mad.
So either he is being nice, or I do have sagging jowls. Unfortunately I think the latter is correct.

I have dabbled with face exercises, and I think they probably do work ……. if only I could actually be bothered or remember to do them regularly.

I suppose what I really need s a face lift. But as I am terrified of pain I doubt I’ll ever go under the knife.
Also I don’t like the idea of the surgeon removing any of my face, and tossing it in the bin. My facial skin may be heading south but it’s mine and I quite I quite like it really, I know every tiny blemish and freckle and it would feel odd to look at my reflection and see some of me missing.

So as a surgical face lift is not an option I have looked for other methods of putting a smile on my face.
As I would prefer something that can be done in the comfort of my own home I was initailly attracted to facial exercises as they can even be performed whilst watching TV.
I looked online for other remedies to my problem sagging jowls, and in my online research as well as face exercises I found lots of information on electrical devises which claim to lift the facial muscles.

Needless to say there is a huge choice of these handheld gadgets to choose from. But Tua Viso is the electro-stimulation gadget that seems to really work ……. if you can believe all of the reviews?

I have also read several reports by respected dermatologists who say that they see no reason why Tua Viso and the many other similar gadgets shouldn’t actually work. As they are not selling the product I guess they could be telling the truth!

I would like to purchase a Tua Viso, and the only reason I haven’t is because I’d probably forget to use it.
If I were ever to purchase an electrical face exerciser (or whatever the correct name for them is?) I think I would opt for the Tua Viso as from what I know it is unlike many of these handheld devises in that it does not require any pads, or gels.
I don’t like the idea of having to purchase extra bits and bobs after the initial purchase of the Tua Viso, nor do I want to fuss of messing about with sticky pads, wires, lotions, creams or gels etc.
The Tua Viso simply uses water and away you go.

Being incredibly indecisive means one minute I want to purchase the Tua Viso, and then I decide I don’t want one!

Writing this has made me want one again ……. so much so, I’m off to have a look online for the best deal, and who knows this time I may actually purchase a Tua Viso and end up looking less miserable.

So, Tus Viso does it actually work? Or is it yet another scam?

Update; I’ve just had a quick glance online and I think it costs about £179, but I noticed that it does require the use of pads? So maybe I won’t purchase one.

What I really want, like a lot of people I suppose, is to have a naturally cheerful smiley face, without any effort from me whatsoever, is that too much to ask?

Stupid Suckers

I like this painting I could happily get lost in it for hours.
Swallow Love by Joan Miro. 1934.

Karl Bodmer ~ Confluence of the Fox River & the Wabash 

SEX IN THE DARK ~ JOKE!

A man and a woman laid down and started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of action the man stood up and said, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight.”

The woman replied, “So do I. You’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”